|
|
|
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
9:26:28 PM**
United Kingdom
|
Re: hes gone ....
Hi again TLT,
Carry on staying strong as it will just go round in circles he left once if you allow him back with no change he will leave again and again and again... 3years my cg as been back and forth so many times every time i'd show i was moving on he beg me to get back make all the promises but never change. but i have not had him back for a year now and he getting worried. When i met my cg i was 16 he was with as you say the wrong crowd getting into trouble to gamble thats all him and his mates did we fell in love quickly and soon he stopped seeing all these friends and we got on ok he got a job and was just a easy going man he gambled but i never new i was a problem its wasnt that bad, then after we had our daughter 5years ago it started to get bad all his money would go he would be gone for hours i would be ringing and ringing dragging him out the arcades awful i was never at peace then one day all got to much and i said for him to leave didnt think he would but to my shock he was happy to ... but his gambling got worse he got back in touch with these friends told me i stopped him seeing them and now i cant tell him what to do blamed me for everything said it was me i as to bossy but this new freedom to gamble was worst thing 3years on he just like when i met him same friends no job getting into trouble to finance it, even has a young girl who is throwing money at him kills me, but my life so much better than his i am at peace have lovely days out got a lovely new home and my children are so happy never any arguments all for a reason i believe..he never has peace nothing goes right he gets down has a win back up for a few days just total kaos always says he not happy , yet he cant see he has a problem another thing with his mates also dont like me and him together they think i stop him seeing them and they dont want to loose him they spend everyday together 33year old men like teenage boys sad.I will never allow him back whilst he gambling i will stand strong i can not make him stop he has got to wont to and if me and his children not a good enough reason he will have this unhappy future without us.xx Just pray your cg wont help quickly so you can get back on track i was just to soft thats why the last 3years been like this but no it all changed.good luck hun.xx
|
|
Thursday, July 5, 2012
10:03:37 AM**
|
Re: hes gone ....
Hi,
Thanks Velvet, another positive day yesterday for me, me and my son have been so relaxed! we watched a film together last night, which was nice.
I have a positive weekened planned, meeting with an old friend for a meal tomorow night and i good catch up while my wonderful mum babysits for me, sunday i am taking my son to the the pictures and out to get some tea 
Have a negative though also... he has asked me if i will meet up with him on saturday to discuss things, havnt a clue what to do as i dont want to get emotional and feel like rubbish again, but i would also like to hear what he has to say...
Hey Jodie, thanks again also for replying, You seem really happy now, i am trying to stay strong, i feel really strong right now, ive suprised myself but will it last!? who knows....
|
|
Thursday, July 5, 2012
12:42:07 PM**
Velvet
(Gambling Therapy)
United Kingdom
|
Re: hes gone ....
Hi TLT
All the plans with your friend and your son sound terrific and definitely going in the right direction.
Your CG has dangled the irresistible bait like the proverbial carrot but you are no donkey.
He has tried to take control by asking for a meeting to discuss ‘things’. He knows what he wants to say but you are off guard because you don’t know what the ‘things’ are. If he has made no attempt to seek help then his addiction will be very awake – it will be his addiction that you will meet and it is his addiction which you need to be ready for.
Did he ask for this meeting by text? I knowing texting is laborious (at least it is for me) but you could possibly text him and ask him what he wants to discuss. If you are speaking on the phone then ask him what he wants to talk about – take control back. Let his addiction know that you have changed and that you are not going to let it call the shots.
I am aware of the emotions felt, when confronted by the loved one with this addiction - the desire to care, to love and to save. I am also aware of the capabilities of this addiction to control the non-CG.
I am also only too aware, that CGs can and do change their lives so I understand why you want to hear what he has to say, I am just wary of him wanting the visual meeting. If he wants to tell you he has attended GA then why doesn’t he write it or say it – why is he whetting your appetite to know more without letting on what there is to know?
Whatever you do there will be no judgement here. If you agree to meet him I would suggest somewhere neutral – a café or somewhere, where it will be difficult for him to turn on the waterworks.
As always - hope this helps
Velvet
|
|
Saturday, July 7, 2012
6:45:23 PM**
United Kingdom
|
Re: hes gone ....
-- 07/07/2012 18:47:47: post edited by jenny46.
|
|
Saturday, July 7, 2012
7:46:21 PM**
United Kingdom
|
|
|
Saturday, July 7, 2012
9:20:49 PM**
|
Re: hes gone ....
Hi Jenny have you tried to reply!?
Thanks Velvet
Not a good day today, we didnt end up meeting up, and i have told him that its over and its for the best, as we are just going round in circles!
i feel abit lonely tonight, im hoping it will pass
He also has started being abit nasty with me now, im not sure why.
Hes told me he is leaving the area tomorow and doesnt know if he will be back, hes booked 2 weeks off work aswell.
He stayed over the friend that i dont like last night, drinking. and i think hes been drinking today also.
not sure what to think or do right now!! 
|
|
Sunday, July 8, 2012
3:18:43 PM**
United Kingdom
|
Re: hes gone ....
Hi TLt
Third time lucky I am not sure if it is my brain or computer that is the most addled !! I was trying to read and reply and just making a big mess of both. Round and round in circles feels familiar to me or should i say in cycles, they react we react and our reactions become very predictable to them. Perhaps he is getting nasty because your reaction is not what it has always been or maybe he is using the old technique of pick a fight so I can go and gamble ! and it will be your fault!! I found myself in the middle of many rows to which I had no idea how they started, one only on Friday.
The loneliness does pass eventually and so does some of the sadness but help it along by keeping busy, getting in touch with friends and ignore as much of the nastiness as you can possibly if he had been drinking then that will also fuel his mouth.
Sometimes if we don't know what to do it is best to do nothing until we are sure what is the best path for us. You have been working on you and your understanding, take time out to think about what it is that you want in life, you sound tierd and worn down by what he is doing but you have made a stand, all take take take until there is nothing left to take and that is a terrible place to be if you let him continue doing it, he will continue to take as long as you give.
You refused to see him and that is one in the eye for his addiction, now you have started - stick to your guns, if you want to see him then it can be on your terms, whatever his reason for his behavior is just not good enough. You are not alone in reality he is the lonely one such will be the effects of his addiction upon him, but it can isolate you and make you very unhappy to but only if it is allowed to.
Keep your chin up TLT all I can say is that at some point you will come through this and be the stronger for it
Jenny
|
|
Thursday, July 19, 2012
10:48:56 AM**
|
Re: hes gone ....
hi,
sorry i havnt been on for awhile,
me and my cg are still seperated, he has joined a gym and has started to go to GA meetings which seem to be doing him good, i am very proud of him for this and pleased but.....
he says he he wants me back and prove to me that he is fighting this addiction and wants to give me everything i deserve the thing is i am not sure i want to be in a relationship with him and not sure if i ever will or not i am petrified of taking that risk for it all to go wrong again, i dont no if i could take it. at the moment we are friends but i dont even no if thats the right thing to do i mean am i giving him false hope?
I do want to be his friend, ive known him for nearly 13 years, i do care what happens to him but he seems to want more, and often begs me for forgivness.
|
|
Friday, July 20, 2012
9:19:03 PM**
Velvet
(Gambling Therapy)
United Kingdom
|
Re: hes gone ....
Hi TLT
No need to apologise. You have been doing well and not felt the need to post and that is good.
If you are not sure you want to be in a relationship with your partner now, or ever, then you are answering your quandary yourself.
Friendship is so important to a CG in recovery – more important, in my view, than a romantic relationship. He has to put himself first and that is difficult when romance gets in the way. You need to put yourself first too.
The following was put on the forum by an F&F member a long time ago and I think it is worth repeating
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.
• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.
• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.
• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.
• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.
• Forgiveness isn’t easy.
It took me 2 years to 'want' to forgive. My CG said he wasn’t asking for it and couldn’t ask for it - but I found I wanted to give it so don’t worry and don’t rush anything. Your recovery is important. He can prove himself by staying true to himself and enjoying your friendship.
Speak again soon
Velvet
|
|
|