hello im going to call my self saleemah. this is my muslim name. anyways i have a husband who is a cg. we been married for almost 2 years. i'm lad i found this site to vent about my situation because i vented to some people who i thought were concern about me ad found out they are a bunch of gossiping women i guess you figure it out at work. most of my stress is at home i don't have no one at home to vent to so when i get to work i have other co workers who have families and husband and i figure he we all females and we can share and vent our stories.well find out the hard way and now i have to just say hello to certain people because it broke the trust i had for some people . on wed of feb the 3rd my husband went to the bank and took his dad money out and never came home. we have been going through this issue for a long while. before we got married i didn't see these things going on if i did i didn't know it was gambling. i said to him last time we went through this if he does it we are going to separate because i cant live like this no more but now i find my self going back on what i said because i love him and i want to help him but don't know how without putting too much pressure on him . I know when he feels a lot of pressure on him he runs off for a while to relieve himself and he comes back this time i don't know if he will come back. he also left his dad on me . His dad lives with us and helps us out financially and he has his name on his dad accounts and he is a payee. the have asked before to be it but i didn't want to get into a argument with my husband if i said no to giving him money out of his dad account and checking with his dad behind him. so his dad is very sickly and upset with him because he rusted him to take care of his affairs and he has dissappointed him more than enough. im upset because it feels like he just up and left us. we have six kids and they are asking where is he at. five of my kids aren't his the are from a previous relationship. with everything that is going on i haven't been able to focus on my religion for support because the person who i did tell i believe she told all my business to some one and she is denying it. i just need some kind of support as far as what to do i want my marriage no doubt but does he really want to change he ca do good for a while but i need him to tr all the way if he needs me i will help but i need to know from him if he is just bull crapping me what but i wont know until he comes home.

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Taking life one day at a time as always.

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Dear mum of six,

First i want to let you know that i feel for what you are going through, and as you probably saw on this site you are definitely not the only one with this problem. This is a great place for venting your feelings and getting help and support for yourself. Venting to others who do not live with a cg isn't quite as helpful and can even result in frustration and anger - as it has by you - not because they are mean, but because they have no idea what it is you are going through. Thats why my first message to you is: keep posting and venting here, it really helps!

You say you came back on your decision to separate from your husband because you love him and want to help. Most of us here in the friends&family section are here because we love someone who is a cg and want to help them, The first thing i had to learn when dealing with my cg, is that i could not help him fight his addiction and that nothing i could say or do could make him stop playing if he himself didn't truly want to do it. It just takes up alot of energy you need for you!!!!

The things we can do are 1. take care of ourselves and take control of our recovery and 2. stop enabling their addiction.

From what you write i understand your husband has access to cash from his dad's account. Is his dad aware of his son's addiction? Can he stop his son from having access to his account? Do you also have money he can use for his addiction? The first thing to do when you want to stop enabling an addiction is to stop providing the fuel, i.e. the money to continue gambling. He might get very angry when you do that, but know then that it is his addiction screaming and this is the right thing to do...and certainly dont let him talk you into believing you are a bad wife or pressurizing him etc... The addiction often tries  to make us feel guilty in order to be able to survive and we have to learn to recognize when it is the addiction speaking through the mouth of our cg and separate it from the person we love.

There are many more things i could ad, but i think for now the most important thing is to take care of yourself and to cut his access to his dads and your money,

 

i wish you much strength,

love,

goldylocksxxx

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Welcome, Im so glad you found this place!

I just saw over in the overcoming problems section you have posted regarding you husbands gambing and also that you left a six year abusive marriage before. You ask if you should leave or stay as your current husband isnt beating you, he just has a problem with gambling. Well, I cant tell you what to do but know that the mental torment a Cg can cause can be just as bad as a physical beating.  You were strong and brave for leaving your ex and protecting your children, unfortunantly, if your husband is stealing from his father and you and disappearing from the family home, you must take into consideration the mental pain this is causing you and the potential disaster coming down the road. Gambling is a progressive disease, it never gets better or stays the same, it just gets worse. Mother is stressed, unhappy and frantic, children are going to notice and react.

I know the place your husband is coming from. When a Cg gets to the point he is stealing from others(other than his wife) and is disappearing from the family home for days at a time, they are very deep in their addiction indeed.  I noticed goldies question regarding getting his father to stop his son from access to his accounts. Its sounds like this is possibly Social Security?   When a payee is assigned by the social security office they take it very seriously when said payee comits fraud against the person they have entrusted into the care of the payee.  If he is stealing your fathers social security money he is committing a crime and there is a place to report it.  You may want to point this out to your husband when he gets back and tell him you are one phone call away from reporting him to social security on the grounds he is committing theft against his father and the us government if he dosnt hand over the checkbook and debit card for his father to you.

1-800-269-0271 from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time    This is the site it came from
 

http://www.ssa.gov/oig/hotline/   

    You can have the social security office terminate the status of your husband as payee but most likely they will require an investigation by  reinterviewing him in a mandatory meeting.  Threatened with that, he may agree to trun over the debit card or passbook on your fathers account and allow you to accompany him when funds need to be used to buy food, clothing and medical necessities for his father. His fathers well being is in your hands as your husband is in a distorted world right now.

You love him, and you want to help him, but you will have to play hardball with him as he is already playing hardball with you.  It maybe the rock bottom he needs to get him to admit he has a problem. If it dosnt, and he dosnt see committing a crime as a sign he has an addiction, I would go ahead and report the abuse so your father is protected in the future.  You dont want to be held accountable for this knowledge of the theft either, so its important that you protect your self with stopping this theft now. Please also protect your accounts and assets as he is no longer seeing anything as yours and his, but all his. I know it isnt fair you are being thrown into all of this. Thats why im so glad you are seeking support.

I know its easier said than done. I too am dealing with my ex husbands addiction and had to play hardball with him just tonight. It hurts and its traumatic, but they NEED to hear the truth otherwise in their distorted world they will think they can continue the behavior because no one says anything about it(they often refuse to talk about it or say its too painful. What about our pain?) Please keep coming back here and type, type , type, use the chat for live support and know you are not alone.  You are not at fault, you are not to blame.  Learn all you can about his addiction through the GA website and by asking questions here. They truley know what works, and what dosnt work. They dont judge, they wont tell you what to do but will give you whatever cyper support they can. Just being listened to is sometimes the best theraphy. You will find yourself growing stronger each day you post. There is strength in numbers.

My favorite Winnie the Pooh line:

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.  

Christopher Robin to Pooh.

 2 1/2 years clean but once a CG always a CG .

I wish you peace

*life is good

 

-- 2/7/2010 5:19:11 AM: post edited by linnie44.

-- 2/7/2010 5:31:27 AM: post edited by linnie44.

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Hi momhassix, I really feel for you in your situation, my ex used to do the disappearing for days thing, we had no children at that point but I still found it one of the hardest things to deal with. Your husband's father will be more aware now so perhaps it will be easier for you to be trustee and the two of you to tell your husband he has no right to access this money. It's such a horrible waiting game when they have gone off and you are there wondering what state they will come back in or if they are coming back at all and you have six kids and a (presumably) elderly man to take care of. You have to somehow try to give yourself a rest from your thoughts, do something absorbing with your kids or read a good book or watch T.V anything to give your mind a break from this even if it is only for a few minutes. It's a hard truth but in a relationship with a CG if you threaten to act but then don't they see that not as love but as weakness. If you do say you are going to take action it is best to carry it through and only react differently when they show signs of moving forward or not to say it in the first place. It is so important that you take control of the finances, otherwise you are unwittingly enabling him to gamble (I did this for years without realizing). Has he sort help for the problem at all? It is something he is unlikely to recover from without the right (professional) help and support, you can not make him change. All you can do other than keep money away from him is be clear in a strong and preferably calm way as to what is and is not acceptable to you. Try to avoid making personal remarks as CG generally have very low self esteem instead focus any criticism on the gambling, i.e  the gambling is ruining our marriage, I hate the gambling, I can not live with the gambling, rather than I hate you, you are ruining my life etc. This avoids damaging his self esteem and making him 'turn off' because he feels he is being nagged and brings attention to the actual problem. CG is an illness, it has many side effects, on of which is the manipulation and control of others, be wise to that, do not let his words and actions damage you, it is not your fault. I know how hard this must be for you and I am willing you the strength to move forward. This place is a godsend to me, I too was very alone with the issue and I hope you will find it a comfort to you too, use it whenever you feel the need, you will always find a listening ear, Love Jess xxx

 

One day at a time

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well today is Monday and he still hasn't been back home yet but i found out where he is at and he has been lying saying to his friends that we got into an argument and thats why he hasn't been back home. he is broke no money and i think he is trying to stall out till Tuesday night till Wednesday morning because his money come on the card and he is going to try to spend it but i got the card numbers so i will be paying those bills and he will not get an money off that card. i prayed about the situation and i want to hang in there because i feel he has potential to change but what if he is trying to play me for a fool and really not trying to change. because im his wife i feel its my job to help my husband any way i can but who is there for me when i need someone to help me.i just had to vent because he made me mad because he send me an email on facebook telling me he is okay but then is calling all his friends and saying where he is at.and et not have called me and all i get is a stinky email on facebook.

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Hi momhassix, I can see from your post how angry and frustrated you must be buy your husbands behavior but you have done really well to take control of the money, so well done for doing that, it's the right thing to do. It is so hard to be on your own with this, are you able to talk to his father or is he too upset about it all to be a good person to talk to? You ask 'what if he's trying to play me for a fool' and this is a familiar question to all CG partners, the addiction will always try to do that, it will make use of any sign of weakening in you to get round you, the addiction rules them. However if you are strong and clear with him and really mean what you say to him then it is harder for that addition to thrive. You are already getting wise to the fact he will show up when there is money to be had, again that is the pull of the addiction wanting another 'fix'. Until your husband gets help he will be at the mercy of the need to gamble, his behavior will be erratic and he will try to manipulate you in anyway he can. The mix stories he is telling are typical of a gambler they will lie to get what they need, if he told his friends the real reason he was not at home I bet they would not be sympathetic, so he tells them a sad tale to get a place to stay. Prepare yourself for his homecoming the best you can, think about what you are going to say and the best way to say it, be strong and do not let him turn the problem back on you. He way well say hurtful things try not to let them wound you, know it is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, you are just trying to be a wife and mother in difficult circumstances. If you wish to stick by him then you need to keep control of the money, take care of yourself first of all and realize he has a horrible illness that is controlling him. You can not make him stop gambling all you can do is be clear and strong and take temptation out of his way where ever possible, by all means encourage him to get help but its up to him to commit to that. I will be thinking of you, Love Jess x

One day at a time

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