Hi

I've just discovered that my husband is a gambling addict (I knew he had had problems with debt etc when much younger before we met but never really knew it was due to gambling addiction) - he has admitted this to me this week and has also wiped out all our savings and left our business £30,000 in debt. I am devastated and just don't know where to turn or what to do. He says he loves me and our 11month old daughter more than anything and wants help and has made contact with GA and a private hypnotherapy counsellor BUT how can I trust him to do this? Has he just come clean because our money has run out? How can he truly love me and put our security and future at risk like this? How can I learn to like him (I still love him) and trust him again? I am in pieces and feel so lost and angry and alone and am too ashamed to tell anyone about this in real life. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to get me and my daughter through this.

Thanks for reading

x

Hi littleblue

Welcome to Gambling Therapy - you are no longer alone.

I first found this site back in March of this year when I was worried sick for my cg son.  I had felt so alone for so long, and yes I felt ashamed, although I know now that I shouldn't have felt shame. 

Compulsive gambling is an illness, and while you love your cg, you will not like the way the illness makes him behave.  It's probably no consolation right now, but your husband is probably feeling just as bad (if not worse) than you.

You will meet a lot of people here with husbands/partners who are cg's and will give so much support, and noone will judge.  You will hear stories that will give you hope, indeed my son is currently at Gordon House getting rehab for his compulsion.

A mother-son relationship is very different to a husband/wife, so I will let others who will truly understand your situation give you advice.  I just wanted to say welcome, you've found the best possible place to be for someone in your situation, and the support you wil get here will help you stay strong so that you WILL get yourself and your daughter through this.

Love Annie

Hi LittleBlue and I am terribly sorry to hear that you are yet another one of us you is dealing with gambling addiction.

First things first LB, if your husband is serious he will allow you to take control of the finances.  You need to set barriers in place to limit his spending.  Even is your husband does want to stop gambling it's not going to be as easy as him just not doing it anymore.  If you husbands things is internet gambling I suggest getting gamlock so he can no longer gamble online.  If you read the "Ask Storm" section there are a few post that will tell you how to protect yourself and help your husband.  
Littleblue you have nothing to be ashamed of.  You didnt' do anything wrong.  This is a very bad and ugly addiction and you had no way of knowing just how deep your husband was in the addiction. 

Right now you need to take care of you and your baby.  Keep posting and reading others stories.  The more you learn the better equipped you will be to help your husband. 

Thank you - it's nice to know there are people out there who can understand how I am feeling.

Hi Littleblue

Welcome to GT. I'm sorry for the fact you have had to seek out such a site but pleased you have found us as we can help you to understand this addiction and you can be supported by those who have or are walking in your shoes. 

I understand your doubts, your devastation, your anger and your concerns about not liking your husband. I also understand your questions of how he can love you and do this. I had all the same feelings when I found out what my partner was doing and they are all natural. This site will confirm that for you. Knowing that you are not alone in those emotions will go a long way towards helping you get stronger. 

What your husband is doing is little to do with how much he loves you. Unfortunately our love for them and theirs for us becomes secondary to this illness. It's not that they don't love us, it's just that the addiction is stronger and they are compelled to gamble regardless of the consequences. For that reason it is not unlike other addictions. 

You won't trust him for now, and even if he is serious about getting help, you won't trust him for a while yet. That trust has been broken and it takes more than a few words to repair it. It is only restored through constant proof of their intent to not break that trust again.

You are strong enough to get through this. For now you need to focus on protecting yourself and your baby. If you can, take control of the finances and talk with your husband about why you need to do this. To ensure that the bills are paid so that you can continue to provide for your child. Tell him that you need him to accept this if he is serious about beginning recovery. Then wait to see if he does go to the GA meetings.

One thing to take on board is that a gambler won't get help until they are ready. Sometimes they make noises about it when they have been found out and they may make all the gestures but not follow through. It's not uncommon for them to try numerous times to stop. I do hope that this time is the real thing for your husband but try not to be too disappointed if it is not. Just put in place those barriers and protections so that if he does lapse, he can't risk your security. Make it harder for him to loose too much.

Come back and post often. We will do all we can to give you support and advice.

Anck

Hello Little Blue,

I hope you are feeling better today. I dont really come on here anymore. in fact I havent for weeks. until yest. I am not going to post for me anymore. but try and comment on some threads to help. if i can.

Basically here, I echo Hogold and anck sentiments. :-)

It is tough, painful.. and a long road.. but the important thing is whether your hubby is serious for the right reasons.. and if your serious and can have a heart of steel thru this to be strong. No cards or access to money for him.

Refer him to this site if he wants help, it may help him to see that he is not alone, just like you are not. :-)

I will check back in with you. Just a short post today.

Hi LB,

Lovely to meet you tonight, so glad you came to F & F, it really is a great place, we have lots of sharing and laughs, it is a real tonic.

I will apologise for not posting on your thread, I had already read it, but I was not really in a great place to write to you, so welcome to GT, I look forward to catching up with you, post whatever you need to, you will have emotions on top of emotions and it will be tough love for you, you must stay focused and not lose sight of what you really want out of life, look after yourself and you daughter, there will be much love and support coming your way, grab it with both hands.

Lots of love and hugs

xx